Finally, my lifelong love of meaningless trivia and worthless mental minutia can be put to good use, other than impressing ridiculously hot women. Mental_Floss Magazine has signed me up as a regular freelance contributor to their website and their magazine, starting with a list of the "6 Movies With Most the Depressing Alternate Endings." Your brain will feel completely plaque free after reading it.

LINK: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/25914

As part of my ongoing effort to get Russell Crowe to kick my ass (strictly for the story, of course), Spike.com has published my list of the seven most badass celebrities with the wussiest of hobbies. Laugh at Johnny Depp's love of playing with dolls! Chuckle at Jackie Chan's habit of collecting tea cups! Guffaw at Rosie Greer's addiction to needlepoint! Then go back to your "World of Warcraft" tournament and feel better about yourself.

LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/seven-total-badasses/82304

After a dry spell that seemed longer than your grandmother's Thanksgiving turkey (seriously, the damn thing is sandpaper. She's 83 for cripes' sake. Hasn't she learned about basting by now?), I'm back in good ol' Cracked.

The Internet musing database published my list of the "Seven Clearly Fake News Stories That Fooled the Mainstream Media" and without sounding pompous or over-hyped, it is the greatest goddamn thing I have ever written on the face of God's planet or any other planet he has created because he has grown tired of the human race's shenanigans. It's got everything that makes comedy work: midgets fighting lions, Halo 2, children with their Dad's credit cards and Dick Cheney, the Rosetta Stone of the comedy universe.

Read it now and Digg it to prove how much you really love me.

Link: http://www.cracked.com/article_17318_7-clearly-fake-news-stories-that-fooled-mainstream-media.html

You know that point in life when things get so busy you don't have time to achieve life's basic goals such as showering, eating food that hasn't sat under a desk lamp for a week or wearing clothes that don't smell like you've spent an entire weekend IN a barbecue? Admit it, you're there right now. Otherwise you would be doing something important like your taxes, your will or putting a new roof on your house instead of reading this.

Don't worry, I'm there too. That's why I've got more work on my plate than an outsourced Indian call center can handle and this pile of updates of my most recent humor and comedy writings.

First off over at Spike.com is my list of the "10 People Who Almost Destroyed Fun" and by "fun," I mean most things that guys would find amusing like comic books, ultra violent hand-to-hand fighting sports and lesbians. I'll do one for the ladies when Cosmospolitan knocks on my door.









Then over at Gameist.com, you'll find my list of the "6 Education Video Games That Taught Us Hard Life Lessons." You remember those guys, all the classics like "The Oregon Trail," "Barney Hide and Seek" and "Drunken Frogger."











Finally, if you live in the Columbus, Ohio area and have nothing better to do when the working day ends (and as someone who has spent quite a bit of time in Ohio, I'm sure that's usually the case), head on over to the Shadowbox theater in Easton Town Center and enjoy their newest show, "Born to Be Wild" that features FIVE sketches written by yours truly with some heavy editing from the Shadowbox SCRAWL team. You can really tell how good the team is by the show they put on throughout the year. Seriously, if it wasn't for them, my sketches would look and sound the ramblings of a depressed lunatic who writes with his feet. Clearly, I do not write with my feet. My keyboard smells like cheese for a completely different reason.







LINKS:
The 10 People Who Almost Destroyed Fun - http://www.spike.com/blog/10-alter-egos-wed/74525
The 6 Educational Games that Taught Us Hard Life Lessons - http://gameist.com/articles/6-classic-educational-games-that-taught-hard-life-lessons/
Shadowbox's "Born to Be Wild" - http://www.shadowboxcabaret.com/columbus/
Columbus Dispatch's review of "Born to Be Wild" - http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/weekender/stories/2009/03/26/9A_THEATER26_March_2009.ART0_ART_03-26-09_T10_9RDB3JH.html

Every young boy grows up wishing they could be a superhero. But when they become men, they realize the "mild mannered" alter ego has it a lot easier. Most often, he gets dental.

That's why Spike let me chronicle the superhero alter-egos that have it 10 times better than the actual superhero. Here's a hint: it's way easier for Tony Stark to score when he's wearing a designer suit that doesn't require a power drill to remove.

LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/10-alter-egos-wed/74525

The name has been written in the space provided. The bubbles have all been filled in completely. The pencils are down.

I, your humble warrior chosen by the gods to take on "Jeopardy!," have taken on their contestant challenge and wrestled it to the ground by grabbing the horns and twisting its neck until something goes "snap." But was killing an innocent animal enough to defeat the mighty behemoth? Find out at TV Squad.com.

LINK: http://www.tvsquad.com/2009/03/04/trebek-i-must-break-you-taking-on-the-jeopardy-test/

Looking for a trophy wife to put in your trophy case? Consult this trusty list of repeat gold diggers who went after their coin with the tenacity of a wily coal miner! (And no, Spike.com did not pay me to write this promo. When they start paying me to plug their own stuff that they already paid me to write, I'll start putting more effort into it. Now if you'll excuse me, "Around the Horn" is on and I have to go start praying for Jay Mariotti's head to explode live in on television.)

LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/hollywoods-biggest/74069

There was a really interesting moment at the end of Conan O'Brien's last "Late Night". He basically told everyone who said he would have to grow up if he wanted to make it on "The Tonight Show" that he always has been and always will be a Toys-R-Us kid.

It turned out to be one of the funniest and most telling moments ever to appear on television and this from a show that features a giant masturbating bear.

Read all about it here...http://www.tvsquad.com/2009/02/23/the-curious-case-of-conan-obrien-video/

Man has reached many milestones in their lifetime. Man has invented the wheel and discovered fire. Man has built massive structures that have stood the tests of Earth and time. Man has invented the Internet giving mankind access to the largest collection of girl-on-girl pornography ever assembled in history.

Now I have reached what I would consider to be one of those personal milestones. Well, maybe not "building the Great Wall of China" great. It's more like "building the Great Beer Can Wall of Sorority Row" great, which is still pretty damn great depending on the university and how easily impressed you are by beer can engineering.

I had the pleasure of interviewing "South Park" creator Matt Stone for TVSquad.com where we talked about his new MTV show "How's Your News?", his future on television and the behemoth cultural monster that he and Trey Parker created and have kept them from getting any regular REM sleep ever since. Read it or you're not cool.

LINK: http://www.tvsquad.com/2009/02/06/matt-stone-the-tv-squad-interview-video/

Gameist.com has become the ultimate video game list humor website in the known universe. And guess who they asked to join up? Correct! And they asked me as well.

Gameist.com premiered this month with what I'm sure will be the first of many pieces: the 10 Most Insanely Gory Video Games. So if you're the kind of person that treats their bloodlust the way a caffeine junkie treats Starbucks, one, please maintain a distance of 20 feet between yourself and me at all times and, two, click the link below to get your fix.

LINK: http://gameist.com/articles/the-10-most-insanely-gory-videogames/